This post might be one useful to few people or many, I simply do not know. My feelings towards intimacy (kissing, sexual interactions etc.) are ones I feel completely alone with. More alone than with anxiety. More than depression.
You see, people are quick to say “you’ll grow out of it”; or not even as kind as that, more of a “haha you’re so pathetic! How can you call him your boyfriend when you don’t kiss him?!” sort of affair.
But, for me at least, relationships aren’t about the physical aspects. Who cares if someone is the most beautiful person ever if they are, in fact, just a turd? (See post post from a while back; ‘There are turds on this earth)’ I for one certainly don’t.
I often don’t even tell people I have a boyfriend, even if it comes up in conversation, because I just constantly feel judged. I’m sick of being abnormal, sick of never fitting in, sick of finding things most people find natural the hardest things in the world.
In my case it just happens I had a bad experience to do with relationships which probably didn’t help my fear, although it existed before that so I cannot solely put it down to that. I am worried that I won’t grow out of it, that I will just never have sexual attraction. That, God forbid!, I should die a virgin. (Yet another thing how it angers me how people make out that life without sex is not a decent life?!)
Anyway, that is beside the point. I am going to break down what it is that I am scared of, reason with myself, and try and cure my fear through understanding. I have no idea if this will work, so I’ll have to keep you posted on my progress.
I’m scared of kissing. Why?
(1) It’s unhygienic.
Our bodies are largely made up of bacteria. Bacteria keeps our immune systems healthy. Mouths in general are a pretty clean, hygienic area of the body, as acidic saliva breaks down food and bacteria in your mouth.
(2) It feels unnatural/wrong.
I’ve hardly done it before and last time it was wrong, so no wonder the idea feels wrong! It is strange and it might feel weird at first, but that’s ok.
(4) I don’t feel the attraction.
I’ve been ill with an eating disorder, so, as my doctor/therapist has pointed out, it is likely that my hormones are not in balance, so that very well could be causing my lack of sexual drive. But I also need to consider the fact that I am 16, and maybe it is a case of just a couple more years until I start feeling sexually attracted to people. If that doesn’t happen then there are other options for me, such as seeking further help if it’s worrying me, or just accepting and leaving it! Relationships are far more than just sticking your tongue down each other’s throats.
(5) I don’t know how.
I’ve watched some YouTube videos (I know that sounds weird, but I thought that was the most practical way of going about things), so I do know how.
(Also, I’ve only watched one video, How to kiss, but I’m kind of I’m love with lush already.. They’re such an adorable couple)
(6) It reminds me of unpleasant past experiences.
Maybe that’s all the more reason to do it. The longer I avoid it, the more it will build up as a negative thing in my mind and the more scared I’ll be. If I create new, pleasant memories around this area it will allow me to start afresh and see intimacy in a new and positive light.
(7) I’m scared past experiences will repeat or I’ll be pressured further.
My boyfriend is lovely and a certain element of trust is necessary for this one. He is desperate to make me see that all boys aren’t out to get me, so I just gave to give him a chance. I know him well enough to know he means well and won’t hurt me.
* My OCD is going haywire because I only have 7 points and it isn’t an even number, but I’ve got to challenge it so I apologise for having 7 points inserted of 6 or 8!
Even just after writing this post I’m already feeling braver and more willing to give it a go. I know my boyfriend wants to kiss and the least I can do is try. If I’m not ready yet I’m sure he’ll understand.
Last of all, please do share through the comments if you can relate to this or if at the very least I sound sane. I’m so scared of posting this, but in my opinion the more scared you are, the more worthwhile it most likely is.
Thanks for reading.