Reading back on this has made me realise what a bitch of an illness anorexia is, and how much it makes you feel isolated and hopeless.
I can remember some of that day in vivid detail- the extreme desperation is not a feeling I could ever forget.
Just a few bits you should know so this makes sense:
At the time of this diary entry I was relapsing, but no one knew and everyone thought I was doing well.
I was hiding it by water weighting and wearing jewellery so that I could stay in school.
I am very good at hiding things.
“I know I’m lying to them and I feel terrible about it, but I’m in too deep to change it now.”
“When she saw all my bracelets, she said, ‘how many bracelets are you wearing?!’. I said I liked the bracelets, but she said ‘You’ve probably got a whole kilogram of them, it will affect your weight’ in a really disapproving way with her eyebrows raised.”
“During the review my mum said ‘She has been taking a lot more responsibility for eating her snacks which is really good’, and I felt terrible, because the only reason I’ve ‘taken responsibility’ is so that I can lie and say I’ve had snacks when I’ve really skipped them! I am an awful person.”
“They also said that I had to start eating in restaurants and cafés again, and start eating foods I’ve stopped eating like ice cream and pizza and crisps – I can’t do that! No way. I said this, but they said I must or I’d get discharged and then lose weight again and have to come back.
Dr __ said ‘you want to be discharged don’t you?’, and I said yes but there was a brief pause. I’m not ready to be discharged, I’m relapsing and I need them.”
“I just don’t know if I can do it on my own. I have no therapist or person to confide in – I can’t tell my friends because no one our age should be worrying about these things.”
I hope this helps people understand what sort of thoughts and feelings people may have when struggling with eating disorders.
Everyone is different, but this is my story.
Thanks for reading.