Small things can have a big impact

I don’t know about anyone else, but I, personally, am an emotional wreck.

When something really small happens, it can have such a huge impact on me it’s ridiculous. Especially when it’s something that links to my key areas of insecurity..

A few days ago one of my teachers got really angry at me and another girl for a joke (evidently not a funny one) hiding under a desk, and as a result I was crying for hours. The bad thing is I’m not even exaggerating; it triggered suicidal thoughts, never eating again, self harm.. You get the picture. And for what? One teacher getting annoyed at me? Ridiculous right?

Well the truth is that one of my main issues is that all I want to do is make others happy, even if it is at the expense of myself. I’ve had a really hard time with friendships from the age of around 6, where I had a friend who wouldn’t let me join any clubs or talk to anyone else, and used to dig her nails into the back of my neck and arms. I couldn’t stand up to her so felt useless even from the age of 6. I was so young, I should have been enjoying myself but instead I was worrying about being a bad person.

Anyway, I digress. Essentially, if I upset someone it seems like the end of the world, because if that is the one thing that really matters to me and I can’t even get that right, then surely I can’t do anything right? And if I’m only making others miserable then I’m just being selfish being here. That’s what I think.

I don’t know who I am so I don’t know who to act. All I know is that I am deeply insecure and hate myself and all the mistakes I’ve made.. And I guess that’s why pleasing people is so important; because I know that’s something I care about, it is me, even when I’m not sure who ‘me’ is.

I apologise for the randomness of this post, I guess it was more me clearing my head more than anything else really.. But I decided to post it because I think it’s really important that people understand how others think.

If we understood each other better maybe we’d all be more open and confident in ourselves?

I don’t know, it’s a nice thought though.

Thanks for reading.

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2 thoughts on “Small things can have a big impact

  1. “I don’t know who I am so I don’t know who to act”. I can so relate to this. *hugs*. It sucks. But the best advice I’ve found is actually fake it till you make it. Fake confidence so that you can try new things and figure out who you want to be. Easier said than done I know. But it works. If I only have to act confident long enough to try something then there is no pressure to be confident or be the thing I’m trying.
    It’s just acting. And then if I like it. Well I know something I like 🙂

    Like

    • I’m sorry you feel this way to, I know how hard it is. Hugs back 🙂 It does suck, I agree. Yes I’ve tried that, I think it works for some and not for others, I guess we’re all different. It helped me move along a bit in recovery until I was ready to really go for it and try to genuinely feel happy, but sometimes faking it actually does make you happy as you say! Thank you so much for the advice, I haven’t tried it in a while so I’ll definitely give it another go. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment on my blog, I really appreciate it. I wish you all the best in your recovery x

      Liked by 1 person

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