Today I found out that a boy’s (who goes to my boyfriends school) parents were murdered last night.
He was in the house, and heard something in the night. I don’t know exactly what happened, but essentially he called the police and tried to save his parents, but it was too late. He had to hide while this murderer was in his house. He has to watch his parents die.
Apart from the obvious terrible pain and terror of this, what is so awful is that the day before, he was probably messing around with his mates, stressing over homework and whether he was going to get invited to the next party… All such small things. And before he knows it, none of that matters anymore. His parents are gone. He’s alone.
I wonder what the last thing he said to his parents were. I wonder when he last told them he loved them.
Now I know it must seem silly, how affected I’m getting when I don’t even know this person, but it is just such a shock. I may not know him personally, but my boyfriend knows him and is in the same year as him in school, it’s just like having someone in my year’s parents be killed.
It happened in Fetchem, a lovely little village in Surrey. No one was expecting it.
I guess it’s just made me realise that we never know what’s going to happen in life.
I already tell my parents I love them every day and hug and kiss them, purely because I’m scared that one day they’re not going to be here and I’ll be thinking back to the time I was with them with sadness and regret.
I don’t want that; no one does.
I am so scared of my parents dying or leaving me.
Whenever my parents drive somewhere, especially at night or if it’s far away, I wonder if they’ll be safe.
I don’t know what I’d do without them.
My therapists come and go, as do most friends and people in your life. But my parents, they’re different. They love me unconditionally, they have to, that’s who they are as parents; caring and loving, even if sometimes it might not always show in the way you want.
I know this post is rambling and doesn’t have a particular point yet. I guess I am simply just so shaken up by this murder, and I can’t help but think about if it were me, if one day my parents were there and the next day they were gone.
And the truth is, I can’t imagine it. Because I know that if they went, I’d go too.
This boy was so incredibly brave to call the police and try to save them. He was right to hide and keep himself safe, I just hope and pray with al my heart that he sees it that way too.
I did terribly in my psychology timed essay today, I cried in my physics lesson because I’m thick and don’t understand any of it. I’m bloated, I have a terrible body image, I despise both my appearance and who I am. I felt tired and wary and down.
I wish I could say that now this has happened, I see that it’s all irrelevant. That would make sense, right? That looking at the bigger picture, at least I have a loving family and I am safe. But all I can think of is how we never know what’s going to happen next, and that makes me want to do well even more. Imagine if today was the last day I lived? I haven’t done enough. I’ve struggled with school work, not done enough homework, cried in font of a teacher.. And yes, to some extent ‘so what?’. But I also feel like I owe it to this brave boy to man up and get on with life, not be the emotional wreck I am.
I have no reason to feel like this, to feel so hopeless and depressed.
But I can’t.
I need to see this in a logical frame of mind.
We need to be greatful for what we have every day, no matter how small or irrelevant it may be, no matter how much you may take it for granted.
I am thankful for my loving parents, my wonderful family and amazing friends. I am thankful for the roof over my head and the amazing opportunities I have.
I am thankful, yet I am scared and lost.
Is it possible to be both so greatful or what you have and yet so dissatisfied with yourself and your performance?
I am just so lost.
I only hope I can be found again.
Thanks for reading.