I am sorry it has been so long since I last posted.
I have been struggling recently. Not with eating, not with self harm, not even with anxiety (well obviously I do struggle with these, but I just mean these aren’t the main problem of recent). Nope, it’s depression. As per usual.
Today is one of those sleepless nights, so I thought I’d challenge one anxiety and write 20 facts on here.
I have written this at least 5 times but have never posted it, as every time I get nervous about one thing or another and I am just so very scared of being judged. BUT I thought I could challenge that and write it them post it straight away on here, where I am anonymous but in a supportive ‘bubble’, if you like.
This might be a bit too focused in mental health so sorry about that, but as this is what my blog is about I felt this was most appropriate. What is sad is that I didn’t write those 20 facts with that in mind, unfortunately most things these days seems to link to metal illness.
Anyway, here are 20 facts about me and I would love to hear more about you as readers, subscribers, likers, sharers and commenters; so please do feel free to tell me more about yourselves in the comments.
1) I always put others before myself
2) I have always worried lots
3) I tend to take on problems of the world
4) I want to make a difference
5) I want to make people happy
6) I can’t achieve 5 all the time so I always feel worthless
7) I punish myself in so many ways, though –
8) I have stopped self harming (I don’t count days as I find this triggering)
9) I often find myself longing to be thin again, even though –
10) I spent 9 months in hospital (partially inpatient, partially day patient).
11) I am desperate for people to like me
12) I feel hopeless most of the time
13) I’ve felt useless etc since about the age of 6 (bullying) so I do doubt I can change 10 years on
14) I set very high expectations for myself
15) My mental illnesses have taken away different aspects of my life, some of which I don’t think I’ll ever get back
16) I grew up all too quickly last year during both mine and my dad’s illness
17) Most people would not guess I have problems because I am great at hiding it
18) I struggle to ever be proud of anything I do
19) I see so many mistakes and problems with myself, but I only see the good in others
20) I don’t want to live, but recently I’ve realised I don’t want to die. Therefore I do not belong.
And a bonus fact 21) I find it difficult to separate myself from my illnesses and find normal teenage things hard to engage with.
And this, my fellow readers, is why I have few friends and why people take advantage of me.
I hope I get on top of the depression and procrastination (oh is it bad at the moment!) and write more posts this holiday.
Thanks for reading.