Today has been a really challenging day for me. I had weigh in at 2pm this afternoon. For the first time I weeks I gained weight, 0.6kg to be exact.
I haven’t been able to focus on revision for the whole rest of the day because of this. Instead I’ve been busy trying to distract myself while simultaneously trying not to have a breakdown in front of my friend.
Quite honestly, I feel awful. I feel anxious and panicky, I feel low and hopeless, I feel depressed. This isn’t just beacuse about gaining weight today, but it sure as hell didn’t help.
So I thought it was about time I reminded myself of the positives instead of letting my eating disorder and deoression nit-pick all the worst parts.
The truth behind gaining weight:
anorexia vs. me
- Gaining weight will make you
- Eating means you are
greedydetermined and want your life back
- Eating is a sign of
weaknessstrength and willpower, eating through pain is hard but you can do it
You get the gist.. Now. What gaining weight will really give you:
- A healthy body so you have healthy ovaries and can have babies!
- A smile and laughter that is real.
- A new chance
- You’ll worry less people and show them they were right not to give up on you. And if they did give up on you? Well even better do it to prove them wrong.
- You can motivate and inspire others, prove that recovery is possible
- Be that person who defies the odds
- You’ll have to gain it eventually, so you might as well get it over with!
- Proof that you can and will beat your illness
A drawing I did on my iPad to remind myself what my real goal is.
An important thing to do in recovery is to set goals.
I don’t mean massive ones, just little things that you can achieve. There is no point setting goals like ‘recover by April next year’, because recovery is not a linear thing. It’s different for everyone and that’s ok. Unfortunately it is likely you will be battling it for a while, but that does not mean you have failed.
Some little goals/ waypoints I’ve set myself are below. I am only just above the weight I am allowed to exercise, so by gaining I am simply making sure I can do the things I love! That’s not so bad huh?
What gaining weight means to me:
- I can go horse riding and climbing
- I am a step closer to my goal/ target weight
- I can go to the amazon in the summer on my expedition!
- My body can get used to having a regular amount of food and will hopefully be a bit more logical
- I can go on random walks when I want without my parents worrying about me overdoing the exercise
- Spend more time outdoors (my favourite place)
- Become a Beat Media Volenteer after I’ve been out of inpatient for a year (July)
- Do much more in the future that I don’t even know about yet, I just have to keep fighting so I can take opportunities as the come!
And lastly I ask you this; what would you rather be doing:
Riding a horse with the wind in your face as you canter round the school, better this time than last and with your horse listening to you and enjoying a minty polo afterwards while you laugh and stroke it’s nose?
Or pacing laps round your room where you have been all night to burn calories, freezing cold even though you’ve got lots of layers on.
I know for sure which I’d chose. And that’s recovery.
Thanks for reading.