Anorexia in one picture

Sometimes it is hard to capture in words exactly how I feel.
You know the saying ‘a picture says a thousand words’? Well I couldn’t agree more.

After a particularly upsetting day yesterday, I decided to let my feelings out not through self destructive behaviours, not through words, but through taking photos.

I’m going to put a trigger warning here because you can see my ‘spine’, although only because of the position I am in.

This, to me, symbolises anorexia.

The bare back turned away, vulnerable. Caught in a corner with nowhere to turn. No-one and nothing but anorexia. The hunched position, the fear and desperation. That is anorexia.

Anorexia is not this glamorised thing you see on ‘pro-ana’ sites or Tumblr. It is a life threatening and devastating illness. I’ve been in recovery for two years now, and still in some respects I am deep within its grasp. It is hard to let go, hard to do normal things and go about everyday life.

I wish more people understood and accepted that recovery from mental illnesses are not easy. I always feel pressure on me to recover and stop needing therapy. One of my biggest fears is not being able to connect with people, so when people don’t understand me it sends me into panic. Yet so few people do understand me. How can I expect others to understand me when I don’t understand myself?

I am trying, and I will not stop trying until I am through this illness.
For a few blissful months I was weight restored, doing well and hardly thinking about food. I was exercising sensibly, and for enjoyment. Now that frame of mind seems unreachable. But if I have done it once I can and will do it again. That is what I keep telling myself.

Stop saying tomorrow and start saying now. That is what I need to do. I need to get my life back.

Thanks for reading.

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5 thoughts on “Anorexia in one picture

  1. Hi. I found your post through the WordPress Community page( then couldn’t find the way back to your post there!) so commenting here.
    Your photos are confronting though portray the pain of where you’re at, both mentally and physically. The BEST thing is you are reaching out to be part of a (digital) community …and hopefully in your local community eventually. Links are one of the best things you can do.
    And yes, if you have recovered to a healthy point in the past, you can repeat this. It’s a long journey you have ( but don’t we all have our own journeys to navigate?) Please keep going, little baby steps…and find simple things that give you pleaure each day if you can. Best wishes.

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  2. You’re doing amazing being in recovery for two years! I do know the feeling of being right in reach of your illness. For me one wrong step and I’m spiraling into an acute depressive episode. I encourage you to keep up the fight. You can do it! P.S. pro-ana sites? Sick!

    Like

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