F for Faces

Sometimes when I can’t sleep I like to draw. Usually I draw on my ipad because then I don’t need to fuss about with getting my pencil case and notebook out (plus things never rub out properly and I always manage to get pencil marks on my bed!), but recently I got a calligraphy set which is very exciting!

So I drew some faces. I am awful at drawing faces (as you can see), so I usually go for abstract which avoids the need for them to look realistic!

I decided to test my calligraphy pens out in an unconventional way.. With my eyes shut! Half them are with my eyes open and bald with my eyes shut.. Bet you’d have a hard time guessing which was which though! (The iPad ones were drawn with my eyes open)

  

I remember having to do similar exercises in inpatient to try to challenge perfectionism, and as it’s pen you can’t rub it out! It was a bit challenging actually but I embraced the fact it wasn’t perfect and it helped distract me and go to sleep afterwards.

Drawing it a great way to distract yourself, and it can sometimes help you actually relaise how you are feeling. Sometimes I’m just so tired, overwhelmed and hopeless and I don’t know how I feel, and drawing somehow helps me calm down and gather my thoughts.

If you suffer from anxiety or an eating disorder where up need distracting after food, I really would give drawing a go. I don’t do it as often as I like but it’s a really great thing to try.

Thanks for reading.

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We’re all like stretchy yellow men sometimes..

I got given one of these wonderful stretchy yellow men by my friend the other day, it reminded me of when I was little, I loved buying little bits and bobs like that or winning them on the 2p machine at the Pier when I visited my granny.

But now when I see it, you stretch them too far and the smile looks like it’s going to break. Don’t you feel like that sometimes? That people are pulling and pushing you and one day you’re just going to snap?

Anyway, I played on this theme and did a drawing last night to distract myself as I was feeling a bit anxious.

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The black words are things we ‘say’ to people and the grey are things we really feel below it. Obviously no, we are not stretchy and don’t tell people to stretch us, but in the way we talk to others I’m sure at times we are making ourselves vulnerable to being hurt because we are sad and want others to be happy.. Or maybe that’s just me.

A poem:

A toy, she thought,
She pulled and tugged
She twisted and yanked
And pinged it about.

A toy, she thought

But when it snapped
She cried and screamed
Ripped it inside and out

The mother came in,
Swept it away
Hugged her daughter
Bought a new one for a new day

But the cracks are already there,
Beginning to show

How long will it be
Until the cracks start to grow?

How long until,
The stretchy man cannot hide
Those fractures and pains
All bottled up inside.

And how long until
The little girl knows
That man is not a toy
He’s the pain inside us that grows?

Sorry for the random post, I’d be interested to see if people agreed with me though, do you ever feel like that?

This week has been tough on so many levels, just want it all to stop but I know if I want that then I have to keep fighting through. Any motivation would be much appreciated.

Thanks for reading.

Mental Block

I am so, so tired recently.

It is an effort to get out of bed; to dress; to brush my teeth. 

I don’t want to talk to anyone or do anything… All I want to do is sleep.

But why? Why am I feeling like this?
It’s because I am exhausted. I have reached my limits, ran over them with a monster truck and crushed them. I cannot concentrate or do much because, quite simply, I am beyond the point of functioning.

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You may have noticed my lack of blog posts of recent, and that is simply due to this immense tiredness.

Thing is, when I reach this level of exhaustion I feel mentally exhausted too. I can’t think clearly, all I want to do is go to bed. I don’t want to eat, and typically this is when the food thoughts come back loud and strong.

Every little thing seems to take on huge importance. Every little thing I do wrong is remembered, yet the good forgotten like a breeze. If only I could have a more balanced view of life.

I don’t know what to write.. What do you all want to read about? More about me/ my experiences, Christmas meal plans or advice, tips and therapy help? Please do comment and let me  know, I really cannot think straight and thus have no idea what to write.

I like writing though because I find myself actually listening to how I feel, but in a controlled and closed way, that when I’ve had enough of I can just walk away from, the thoughts left alone on my computer.

Anyway, I am profusely sorry for this ramble and my lack of posts. I am alive and I am eating (probably too much) so it could be worse.

Thanks for reading.

Getting bad grades due to depression sucks

I got my grade card the other day, and although it didn’t have actual estimates grades, it did have effort grades.

Here’s our effort grade system:
E – Excellent
V – Very Good
G – Good
S – Satisfactory
N – Not satisfactory

I do 4 subjects (AS Level in the UK) and got ‘E’s and ‘V’s in 3 of them, except my favourite subject.

The subject I work hardest in, the subject I am passionate about, I got an S. Now don’t get me wrong, in some situations ‘satisfactory’ would be great, but considering that is the lowest mark apart from ‘not satisfactory’ (which teachers hardly ever give) and the fact I’ve been putting my all into it, I was pretty upset.

Depression is a horrible thing, and this grade only makes it worse.

I emailed my teacher saying that I was disappointed and that I was working really hard and didn’t feel that he’d given me a chance, and he emailed back with this response (I’ve just picked out the few key bits I want to focus on):

“There have been several occasions where you have come into the room and immediately rested your head on the table, or done so during the lesson”
“… your focus has been lower than required at times” etc.

Reading that makes me feel like someone has punched me in the stomach. The teacher knows I was off school almost all of last year, that I dropped two GCSEs/ subjects because I couldn’t keep up, that I was ill. Why do I even bother trying if my hardest efforts only get rewarded with ‘satisfactory’.

I am depressed, that is why I rest my head on the table in some lessons. Simply because I am about to cry. That, in that moment, I want nothing more than to scream and relapse into self harm. That even sitting there is one hell of an achievement.

Does no one understand that?! How hard I’m trying?!

Yes, my focus is terrible. But after missing a whole year of school isn’t that understandable?
I find 6th form/ college extremely difficult, from work to friendships. I have my lessons right at the end of the day, when I’m tired and just about holding it together. As soon as I get home (/in the car even) I break.

There’s only so long someone can keep that smile plastered to their face. There’s only so long you can convince people you’re ok.
Last time when my mask fell it was because I was dangerously underweight and had to be pulled out of school, and I’m trying my hardest to stay away from that. Every time I show emotions something goes wrong because of it.

I don’t even know what to do anymore. I know it must seem like such a petty thing, but to me it is really important. I absolutely love this subject and hope to continue it at uni, yet from anyone else’s point of view it looks like I don’t give a dam about that subject! I feel so set back in my recovery, and I don’t know how I can survive another two years of this hell, also known as college.

Sorry for the ramble, I really needed to let that out; and I hope that by sharing it maybe others will read it and understand depression and mental health more.

Thanks for reading.

The Past: CAHMS review during hidden relapse

3/9/2013

Reading back on this has made me realise what a bitch of an illness anorexia is, and how much it makes you feel isolated and hopeless.
I can remember some of that day in vivid detail- the extreme desperation is not a feeling I could ever forget.

Just a few bits you should know so this makes sense:
At the time of this diary entry I was relapsing, but no one knew and everyone thought I was doing well.
I was hiding it by water weighting and wearing jewellery so that I could stay in school.
I am very good at hiding things.

“I know I’m lying to them and I feel terrible about it, but I’m in too deep to change it now.”

“When she saw all my bracelets, she said, ‘how many bracelets are you wearing?!’. I said I liked the bracelets, but she said ‘You’ve probably got a whole kilogram of them, it will affect your weight’ in a really disapproving way with her eyebrows raised.”

“During the review my mum said ‘She has been taking a lot more responsibility for eating her snacks which is really good’, and I felt terrible, because the only reason I’ve ‘taken responsibility’ is so that I can lie and say I’ve had snacks when I’ve really skipped them! I am an awful person.”

“They also said that I had to start eating in restaurants and cafés again, and start eating foods I’ve stopped eating like ice cream and pizza and crisps – I can’t do that! No way. I said this, but they said I must or I’d get discharged and then lose weight again and have to come back.
Dr __ said ‘you want to be discharged don’t you?’, and I said yes but there was a brief pause. I’m not ready to be discharged, I’m relapsing and I need them.”

“I just don’t know if I can do it on my own. I have no therapist or person to confide in – I can’t tell my friends because no one our age should be worrying about these things.”

I hope this helps people understand what sort of thoughts and feelings people may have when struggling with eating disorders.
Everyone is different, but this is my story.

Thanks for reading.