The Past: CAHMS review during hidden relapse

3/9/2013

Reading back on this has made me realise what a bitch of an illness anorexia is, and how much it makes you feel isolated and hopeless.
I can remember some of that day in vivid detail- the extreme desperation is not a feeling I could ever forget.

Just a few bits you should know so this makes sense:
At the time of this diary entry I was relapsing, but no one knew and everyone thought I was doing well.
I was hiding it by water weighting and wearing jewellery so that I could stay in school.
I am very good at hiding things.

“I know I’m lying to them and I feel terrible about it, but I’m in too deep to change it now.”

“When she saw all my bracelets, she said, ‘how many bracelets are you wearing?!’. I said I liked the bracelets, but she said ‘You’ve probably got a whole kilogram of them, it will affect your weight’ in a really disapproving way with her eyebrows raised.”

“During the review my mum said ‘She has been taking a lot more responsibility for eating her snacks which is really good’, and I felt terrible, because the only reason I’ve ‘taken responsibility’ is so that I can lie and say I’ve had snacks when I’ve really skipped them! I am an awful person.”

“They also said that I had to start eating in restaurants and caf├ęs again, and start eating foods I’ve stopped eating like ice cream and pizza and crisps – I can’t do that! No way. I said this, but they said I must or I’d get discharged and then lose weight again and have to come back.
Dr __ said ‘you want to be discharged don’t you?’, and I said yes but there was a brief pause. I’m not ready to be discharged, I’m relapsing and I need them.”

“I just don’t know if I can do it on my own. I have no therapist or person to confide in – I can’t tell my friends because no one our age should be worrying about these things.”

I hope this helps people understand what sort of thoughts and feelings people may have when struggling with eating disorders.
Everyone is different, but this is my story.

Thanks for reading.

Shadows [original poem]

I didn’t mean to hurt you.
I didn’t mean to make you cry.
I didn’t mean to hurt you.
I never wanted you to say goodbye.

And now you’re gone
Leaving me with a shadow
One that will not fade away
No matter what they say

You’ve left me with your shadow
And the loneliness is here
Alone with me
And you aren’t there

Forever remembering
Trying to picture your face
Your quiet smile
Your sweet embrace

But you are gone
And with you, the memories fade
I look up at the stars
But without you, they aren’t the same

I didn’t mean to hurt you.
I didn’t mean to make you cry.
I didn’t mean to hurt you.
I never wanted you to say goodbye.

I guess it’s my turn now
To let the tables turn
To fix my heart and mind
And let myself go

You left me with your shadow
And I’ll leave you with mine
Together we’ll be there
Forgiven for our crimes

Feet splashing the water
I look down at the icy lake below
And with one little sigh
I let myself go

Our shadows together
We will soar through the skies
No one to hurt us
But no sunrise

But
No
Sunrise.