Anorexia in one picture

Sometimes it is hard to capture in words exactly how I feel.
You know the saying ‘a picture says a thousand words’? Well I couldn’t agree more.

After a particularly upsetting day yesterday, I decided to let my feelings out not through self destructive behaviours, not through words, but through taking photos.

I’m going to put a trigger warning here because you can see my ‘spine’, although only because of the position I am in.

This, to me, symbolises anorexia.

The bare back turned away, vulnerable. Caught in a corner with nowhere to turn. No-one and nothing but anorexia. The hunched position, the fear and desperation. That is anorexia.

Anorexia is not this glamorised thing you see on ‘pro-ana’ sites or Tumblr. It is a life threatening and devastating illness. I’ve been in recovery for two years now, and still in some respects I am deep within its grasp. It is hard to let go, hard to do normal things and go about everyday life.

I wish more people understood and accepted that recovery from mental illnesses are not easy. I always feel pressure on me to recover and stop needing therapy. One of my biggest fears is not being able to connect with people, so when people don’t understand me it sends me into panic. Yet so few people do understand me. How can I expect others to understand me when I don’t understand myself?

I am trying, and I will not stop trying until I am through this illness.
For a few blissful months I was weight restored, doing well and hardly thinking about food. I was exercising sensibly, and for enjoyment. Now that frame of mind seems unreachable. But if I have done it once I can and will do it again. That is what I keep telling myself.

Stop saying tomorrow and start saying now. That is what I need to do. I need to get my life back.

Thanks for reading.

An Explanation

As some of you might have noticed, I completely failed the A-Z Blogging Challenge this year.
Part of me wishes I hadn’t signed up because hate failing, giving up or quitting. But maybe that exact reason is why it’s so important that I did it.

I am currently sitting my AS Level examinations, the first year/ part of the two-year A level course in the UK. It’s hardly surprising that I found writing a blog post each day and revising 4 subjects, going to school, practicing the flute for my grade 7 exam, climbing and horse riding too much.

My mother often says I stretch myself too thin. And maybe she’s right, but at the same time I don’t know how else to be. This is me, I am that person who is always doing ten things at once; who’s life is a precarious juggling act that only she can control.

I love writing blog posts, I enjoy it and it gives me a sense of purpose. It makes me sad that I have to prioritise exams, which I need to do in order to get to the university I want and to get to where I want to be in life. I think it’s crazy how much pressure is put on 16-18 years olds. These exams essentially decide the rest of our lives. That’s ridiculous! No one needs that sort of pressure. No wonder so many young people and teenagers get mental health problems such as depression and anxiety.
At our school we’re taught from a young age that in order to succeed in life you must get a degree and go to a good university. That’s just not true.


https://vine.co/v/e77MHBgDIbe

I’m on half term now and have done 5 out of 8 exams. 3 more the week after half term then I’m done! I shall be writing more blog posts and posting at least a few times a week, and you never know I might have time to socialise and enjoy myself too!

Thank you for reading and I’ll be posting again soon.

P for Positivity

Positivity is important. No one can feel positive all the time, and in recovery it can be rare, so when the moment comes we need to try our best to remember what that felt like.

On Thursday I had my birthday party (I turned 17 on Monday), and it was after my party I had a rare moment of absolute satisfaction and positivity.

So I recorded it , I jotted it down like I was speaking excitedly to a friend. And that’s what I thought I’d share with you today. Sheer, genuine, in the moment positivity and appreciation for life and recovery.

“I had such a fab time at my party! Felt a bit ill towards the end of it but never mind.
And do you know what? I ate loads, like loads to a normal person not just to me. I had crepes, a milkshake, pizza, a slice of birthday cake.. And do you know what? I’m still alive, I’m still ok, I haven’t exploded! My stomach is round and content with food. It’s full. And full is good, full means my body can get to work on any repairs it has to do! Full means my body can learn that I’m not going to starve it any longer. More importantly, today taught me that there is more to life than an eating disorder, there really is. Laughing and chatting with friends, being loud and eating in front of people and actually, you know what?, not caring. Because I couldn’t have had such a good time without food, if I hadn’t eaten it would have been awkward for them and for me. And what’s better than watching a film with a bunch of friends and a pizza on a paper plate? What’s better than laughing at charades with your friends? Yes it was quite loud and challenging for anxiety etc, and I received some absolutely amazing presents and I love them so so much, but it’s hard for me to get presents so that was a challenge to. But I did it, and I’m ok with that.
I don’t know, I just feel so positive right now. Like maybe I do have a place, maybe I can recover and live a full life. I want every day to be like today, challenging but full of purpose and fun.
Only recovery can get you here, only recovery can allow you these opportunities. I couldn’t be gladder that I’ve stuck with recovery, even through darker times where I’ve nearly lost hope. Please remember that, there is always hope. And where there is hope, there is determination, and with determination you will get there.”

I really recommend jotting down moments of inspiration like this, because reading back on it can be so helpful and inspiring and can help pull you up from dark and difficult moments.

Today I am not feeling particularly great, so I’m reading that and trying to remember how it felt. I’ve learnt to live for these moments. They may be few for now, but you never know, one day my life could be full of them. I just have to get there.

Thanks for reading.

Id, ego and superego

We all have 3 parts of our subconscious: the id, ego and superego.

We are all on a scale, a see-saw if you like, between these values.

First I’ll explain what they are:

  • The id is the part of our subconscious making us want to do all things ‘bad’ and selfish, to get our own way and hurt others if needed.
  • The ego is the part of the mind that evaluates and responds to the id and superego. It is at the centre of our being and weighs-up the strength of the id and superego before any decisions are made.
  • The superego is the part of our subconscious that makes us want to do all things ‘good’ and to please others, to be selfless and self-sacrificing and to always put others first.

Now some of you may be thinking ‘why am I telling you all this’? Well there are actually many psychological evaluations of this that can be quite useful in trying to understand yourself.

The subconscious governs your thoughts which you are not aware of, and sets base ‘morals’ that you rely on and shapes you as a person. Ideally you want to have a fairly even balance of id and superego, that way your needs are met but without being rude or unkind to others.

However, when one or the other is too strong, this is where we get a problem.

When the superego is too strong, the individual starts to feel worthless and lack self esteem. Forever worrying about keeping others happy, they lack the id quality telling them it’s ok to be selfish sometimes. Because they are always doing things for other people, they start to lose who they are themselves. They have low self esteem because of this imbalance which often leads to depression.

Having too strong an id can have equal but opposite undesirable consequences.

This area of psychology is called psychoanalysis and was created by Freud. I hope to add to this post in the future or perhaps add a ‘part 2’ if people are interested, do leave any feedback or comments below it would be much appreciated.

Thanks for reading.

G for Gaining (weight) happiness

Today has been a really challenging day for me. I had weigh in at 2pm this afternoon. For the first time I weeks I gained weight, 0.6kg to be exact.

I haven’t been able to focus on revision for the whole rest of the day because of this. Instead I’ve been busy trying to distract myself while simultaneously trying not to have a breakdown in front of my friend.

Quite honestly, I feel awful. I feel anxious and panicky, I feel low and hopeless, I feel depressed. This isn’t just beacuse about gaining weight today, but it sure as hell didn’t help.

So I thought it was about time I reminded myself of the positives instead of letting my eating disorder and deoression nit-pick all the worst parts.


The truth behind gaining weight: anorexia vs. me

  • Gaining weight will make you fat healthy
  • Eating means you are greedy determined and want your life back
  • Eating is a sign of weakness strength and willpower, eating through pain is hard but you can do it


You get the gist.. Now. What gaining weight will really give you:

  • A healthy body so you have healthy ovaries and can have babies!
  • A smile and laughter that is real.
  • A new chance
  • You’ll worry less people and show them they were right not to give up on you. And if they did give up on you? Well even better do it to prove them wrong. 
  • You can motivate and inspire others, prove that recovery is possible
  • Be that person who defies the odds
  • You’ll have to gain it eventually, so you might as well get it over with!
  • Strength
  • Energy
  • Willpower
  • Proof that you can and will beat your illness

  
A drawing I did on my iPad to remind myself what my real goal is.

An important thing to do in recovery is to set goals.

I don’t mean massive ones, just little things that you can achieve. There is no point setting goals like ‘recover by April next year’, because recovery is not a linear thing. It’s different for everyone and that’s ok. Unfortunately it is likely you will be battling it for a while, but that does not mean you have failed.

Some little goals/ waypoints I’ve set myself are below. I am only just above the weight I am allowed to exercise, so by gaining I am simply making sure I can do the things I love! That’s not so bad huh?


What gaining weight means to me:

  • I can go horse riding and climbing
  • I am a step closer to my goal/ target weight
  • I can go to the amazon in the summer on my expedition!
  • My body can get used to having a regular amount of food and will hopefully be a bit more logical
  • I can go on random walks when I want without my parents worrying about me overdoing the exercise
  • Spend more time outdoors (my favourite place)
  • Become a Beat Media Volenteer after I’ve been out of inpatient for a year (July)
  • Do much more in the future that I don’t even know about yet, I just have to keep fighting so I can take opportunities as the come!


And lastly I ask you this; what would you rather be doing:
Riding a horse with the wind in your face as you canter round the school, better this time than last and with your horse listening to you and enjoying a minty polo afterwards while you laugh and stroke it’s nose?
Or pacing laps round your room where you have been all night to burn calories, freezing cold even though you’ve got lots of layers on.
I know for sure which I’d chose. And that’s recovery.


Thanks for reading.

E for Easy…

Recovery. Is it easy?
No. In fact, it is the hardest thing I have experienced in my life so far.
I may only be 16 but I often feel much older than my age, I’ve had to mature quickly and realise that if I don’t fight my very hardest and harder then I will not beat anorexia. And eventualy that will lead to death. Now that is a harsh and horrible thing to learn and have to accept at age 14/15.

When I’m struggling, people often say to me “No one said this would be easy”But no one said it would be this hard either.
In my mind I think I had hoped it would be quick. I first imagined it would be a few months maybe, then everything would be back to normal. I hadn’t considered that 2 years on I could still be fighting the very same battle.

When I’m feeling lost, hopeless and in doubt (which unfortunatley is often), I tell myself this: the most worthwhile things in life are often the most challenging.

So with that in mind off I set on my journey.

And here I am today. Still on that very same journey. Still battling various mental health issues. Still fighting.

No, it isn’t easy. But it doesn’t have to be impossible either.

Determination,  motivation and support will become your best friends in recovery. You just have to learn how to use them to conquer the evils.

Thanks for reading.

D for Don’t Even Think About It [book review #1]

Today I thought I’d try something a bit different. As it is an A-Z challenge, I thought why not go for something adventurous and see if I can learn some new skills while I’m at it. So today I’m going to be writing the first of (possibly a series?) of ‘books and mental health‘.

I am currently reading Don’t Even Think About It by Sarah Mlynowski.

This book isn’t about mental health, but the bits I am going to focus on in this post are. I hope that this way people can see what mental health issues are like in normalised day-to-day life, in this case, a teen fiction book.

IMG_4680

If I’m honest this isn’t usually the sort of book I read, it’s a bit too much of a ‘teen fic’ where they talk about who has a crush on who and what girl is wearing what etc etc.

BUT I found myself pleasantly surprised. 

 
One girl in this novel, Olivia, has anxiety. I see a lot of myself in her. She, like me, worries excessively about what people think of her, and tends to catastrophise and think the worst of every situation.

Here are some examples of her anixety:

“She wished she had gone home after all. The idea of everyone in the room knowing her every single thought filled her with dread.
She had dumb thoughts.
She knew she had dumb thoughts.”

“Olivia sank even further. They can hear me worrying about my dumbness! And now they can hear me worrying about worrying about my dumbness. It’s a friggin’ house of mirrors.
(I’m sure most people with mental health issues can relate to the house of mirrors analogy, I certainly feel like that at times.)

Olivia is also a hypercondriac. People are so quick to dismiss this and say ‘oh they just need to get a grip’, but it isn’t that easy. It’s a mental issue, my Grandad suffers from this and he is always petrified he’s ill and it’s some awful illness. It’s horrible, you can see the fear in his eyes over the tiniest of colds. Olivia is like this too, always scared that she’s got some awful illness. Again, I think it is an important thing for people to be aware of, and at points in the book it seems quite ridiculous, but I’ve learnt from personal experience that often mental disorders are competently illogical; that doesn’t make them any less valid. 

 
Overall I think it does a good job of conveying a different mindset than most teenagers are used to, and could potentially be an important eye-opener to those who are unaware of anxiety and mental health issues

 
I hope you enjoyed reading this slightly different post, please do leave comments and tell me what you think, would you like to read more book reviews like this? I have also read some non-fiction books about anorexia and other mental health issues that I could potentially write about and review if anyone is interested, so please do just give me a shout.

Thanks for reading.

C for cravings

As someone recovering from anorexia I have real issues with cravings. Food is scary, it has been for years now. Yet I crave it.

I eat what an average person eats or more, yet still I’m always hungry. I go through phases of having no appetite at all to wanting to eat everything all at once. It’s horrible.

I want control, I want to feel like I am choosing what I eat. I don’t even know why, surely it doesn’t matter? My brain is so illogical at times yet I can’t seem to help it. Obviously I am trying to change things and break habits, but it’s hard.

Sometimes I will have extras, I’ll be craving something so I’ll have it. And this is so, so terrifying to me. The guilt that comes afterwards is unbearable, I don’t know how to manage it and it comes with a whole other host of emotions I won’t go into.

But I keep fighting. I tell myself there is hope.

“It will be ok in the end. If it’s not ok, then it’s not the end”

What is a craving?
Oxford dictionary definition:
A powerful desire for something

Some personal advice for anyone suffering from eating disorders:
Before jumping to the conclusion that you are out of control and awful, consider whether it is harmful or not. If you’re craving chocolate and you haven’t eaten maybe as much as you should have that day then it’s important to realise the craving isn’t your enemy, in fact that is simply your body telling you it needs more fuel. Like a warning light of a car. You wouldn’t ignore that so why ignore your body?

Ways to conquer cravings:
• Distract yourself
• Listen to your body
• Record a diary
• Talk about it in therapy if you have any

I wish I could give more helpful advice but I struggle with cravings myself and don’t know how best to conquer them, I’m open to any suggestions and can always add to my list. It’s only small but it’s a start eh?

I hope you enjoyed the post, it’s a bit more personal than usual and I don’t know whether that’s good or bad; please do leave comments and let me know what you think, whether you want more of my personal experiences or less!

Thanks for reading.

B for Balance

Balance. Such an easy word to say, yet such a hard thing to achieve.

Balance is so important in life. Without it we cannot ever truly be satisfied. Let’s take work and leisure for example.
Too much work? Not enough enjoyment, can lead to depression.
Too much leisure? Not enough work and you don’t get where you want to be, can lead to depression.
Sometimes it seems like you just can’t win! The answer is of course a mixture of both of them; to work hard but also allow yourself important relaxation and leisure time.

According to the Oxford dictionary, balance is:
1) To offset or compare the value of (one thing) with another.
2) To put (something) in a steady position so that it does not fall

I believe that balance in terms of physical and mental wellbeing is both of these things.

If we achieve balance in terms of (1), where we weigh up importance of events and do both of them but according to importance, we will be putting ourselves in a steady position for the future, also definition (2).

So how do we do this?
We need to find what’s known as ‘the middle ground’.
(If my old psychologist is reading this she would be laughing at the irony of it, I was always awful at finding the middle ground. But don’t you worry, I am trying and I haven’t forgotten!)

  

 My top tips on finding the middle ground and keeping yourself well:

• Always find time for yourself, even something small like having a bubble bath or sitting down with a cup of tea and a book for half an hour. Those small things really can make a difference.

• Work is important, but your mental and physical health is and always will be the most important. It’s okay to take time out to look after yourself.

• Get enough sleep; no one can function efficiently if they’re tired, it’s much better to sleep as long as you need and have less time working than to hardly sleep and work for ages; you’ll find the quality of your work will be so much better when you’ve actually had a decent amount of sleep!

• When stressing about something always make sure to take a step back, a deep breath, and to consider how important it really is. Are you being balanced? It may sound stupid but sometimes it can help to take a step back and look at the bigger picture.
  

 
FOOD: balanced eating

Food is also a place where the word balance is key. As someone who has suffered from an eating disorder, I know how your brain can warp your perceptions. I know what it feels like for every mouthful to be ‘too much’. But learning about food has been really helpful, true it hasn’t exactly changed anything, but it has helped me realise that I also need to see food in a bigger picture and have a more balanced view.

There has been a huge craze about ‘clean eating recently’. But is purely eating foods that are considered ‘healthy’ balanced? In my opinion, no.

To start with, I don’t believe there is such thing as a ‘healthy’ or ‘unhealthy’ food. In my eyes, everything is healthy in moderation. One chocolate bar will not make you fat. Nor equally will one carrot make you healthy. It’s all about getting a balance of all 5 of the food groups and also having freedom in what you eat. Yes you must nourish your body, but as long as you don’t eat chips every single day then chips will not hurt you! Everything in moderation. You need to eat what you enjoy and what you like, as well as making sure you’re eating a well-balanced diet.

When I see these people who only eat superfood salads and wouldn’t dream of touching a chocolate bar, to me that isn’t balanced. It’s disordered eating, not necessarily an eating disorder (depending on the mentality behind it) but it definitely is a disordered habit. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate that we are all different and some people love clean eating, I am simply saying be careful of these things and consider why it is you want to go down that route if you chose to do so.

 

 I hope you have enjoyed this post, I know I only skimmed over a whole variety of topics, but if you want to know more or have any questions please do feel free to comment below.

Thanks for reading.

A for A-Z challenge

Today is the first day of the blogging for A-Z challenge, and I have signed myself up!

A bit of a crazy thing to do seeing as I have hardly posted these last few weeks, but I wanted to do it because I want to raise awareness and what better way to do it than this? 

For the next month I will be posting every day except Sunday, each with a theme of a letter (e.g. Tomorrow will be B). If you have any suggestions for things I should write or things you want to know about please do comment below, I have 24 posts to write so I’m sure I can fit it in somewhere!

I’ve created my own badge but you can find out more and grab the official blog badge at www.a-to-zchallenge.com.

 

My goals for this month are to keep up with this challenge, allow myself to relax and enjoy myself as well as revising, and to prioritise my mental health more. 

I hope you enjoy this month’s posts, and please join me in my A-Z journey!

Thanks for reading.